A Slasher's Delight
by Katora
Summary: Tensions rise at Hogworts and all secrets come out of the closet, insanity insues


I had to much fun with this one *chuckles* I don't own anything Harry Potterish, that's J. K. Rowling's mess  
  
It was a normal day at Horwarts School for Wizards and Witches, that is to say Harry and gang walked through a forest of cardboard cut out characters to the center of the court yard. Coming from the other side in West Side Story style were the Slytherins. And by Slytherin I mean the army of Draco clones, or as we like to call them, Malfites.  
  
"Sorry" mutter Ron as he knocked over another 2-dimensional Ravenclaw 'character', but his attention was quickly drawn away by the confrontation between the Malfite leader and Harry Potter. As Harry Potter was about to deliver a crippling insult to begin the same pathetic plot line again there was a sudden twist. The combined will of the sick minds of 12 year old Tom Felton fan girls on the cusp of puberty forced Hermione, an otherwise sedate secondary character to take the stage. With a flash of rage normally reserved for bad Harlequins (wait.) Hermione pushed past Harry and swung her arms around the shocked Slytherin.  
  
"No! I can't hide this any more, I've been having an affair with Draco! I thrive on verbal abuse and it gave him an ego boost to be on top for once!" She began to purr and rub her face against Draco's sleeve while he rubbed. elsewhere.  
  
"What!", Ron gasped "what about all those sultry looks you gave me and the time you blew me while Myrtle was watching?"  
  
"Oh come on Ron, you're more flamboyant than Sirius and Lupin combined. You can't actually expect a relationship with all the liaisons you've been having with Blaze?" Hermione shot back with her canon spawned flare.  
  
"Wait? Isn't Blaze just another one of my faceless Malfites? We don't even know if Blaze is male!" Draco interjected.  
  
"Don't worry honey, the fanfiction writers have taken care of that" Hermione noted quietly so they could return to the drama at hand without getting caught up on those nit-picking details non-fanfictionists call 'facts'.  
  
Harry couldn't take anymore character development of his side kicks, he had to turn the attention back to him before this got out of hand, but how? Suddenly it came to him, "Draco! It's strange, I hate your guts and would love to see them spread across the great hall with the poll of the Gryffindor flag and yet there's this strange feeling growing inside of me.".  
  
"Yes?" Draco, the relentless man-whore remarked, smugly observing another cruel contortion of logic for the benefit of his sex life.  
  
"I love you!" Harry leapt across the room and began to hump Draco's leg intensely as he pushed a miffed Hermione aside. However much the canonists loved giving Hermione a Mary Sue backbone the thought of the ensuing slash fic was too alluring, so Hermione was restrained to pouting next to Ron.  
  
Unfortunately for the Harry/Draco slashers there was one even more powerful fandom out there and their figure head appeared with a swish of his black cloak.  
  
"What is going on here?!?" Snape demanded coldly, glaring down his beak- like nose at the two adolescent boys.  
  
"Oh nothing-" Harry stuttered but was quickly interrupted.  
  
"I gave you house points, good grades, did our after class 'meetings' mean nothing to you!" Snape spat angrily.  
  
"No!" Hermione shouted, "not him, my love! He's ancient, I bet he can't even get it-".  
  
"I am a potions teacher" Snape growled through his teeth, "do you truly believe such a pathetic muggle problem could stop me?"  
  
Before Hermione could respond Lucius Malfoy entered, pimp cane and all. It seemed there were some slashers disturbed by outright pedophilia but unwilling to give up some nice Snape slashage. "Trying to be a top my lovely little bitch, uh-uh, that's my job", Lucius smiled in good natured amusement as he tapped the floor at his feet with his pimp cane. Snape immediately flung himself to the floor and began kissing Lucius' hem.  
  
As the students all stared in shock as this new twist (except for Harry, who was still quite busy with Draco's leg) a booming voice echoed in the courtyard knocking over all the cardboard students. "What is all of this!" shouted Dumbledore from the door of the main hall. His shriveled fingers were bound in fists at his hips pulling his deep purple robes tight over his chest and his piercing blue eyes glared through his half-moon spectacles. Everyone quivered; they were in for it now. With a quick flick of his wand Dumbledore had flipped open his flimsy velvet robes to expose a truly shocking sight. Whatever havoc time had reeked on the rest the headmaster's form had missed his lower regions for they were functioning to their full potential in front of all the slashy canon characters. "Who gave you permission to have a orgy without everyone's favorite headmaster? Spankings all around".  
  
Ron gasped, leaning over to Hermione he whispered "he truly is the most powerful wizard ever, isn't he?" 


End file.
